Thursday, October 30, 2008

overwhelmed

Sometimes, this is all just way too much. I am trying to conquer so many giants in my life. I feel like a minuscule version of David--without his sling, or like Joan of Arc without her sword.

I always vowed that my marriage would NOT revolve around money. Being in Sociology, I know the statistics. Money stress is the number one cause of divorce. It grays your hairs, blackens your heart. I realized tonight that my mind has been filled with budgets, credit card payments, how to be a frugal wife to save money, apartment renting, etc. I've felt so much pressure because I desperately need a full time job, and right now, I've had my doubts about acquiring one.

A couple years ago, I have this naive and ideal image in my head conjured up by fiction books and Hollywood movies. It was the romantic story of a young couple, poor as can be, probably artists or something, and they didn't know where the rent was coming from or how long the electric would stay on, but it didn't matter. They were happy, and it was as if financial issues could never touch them. They were the young, indie couple surviving on love. Maybe it's the whole "RENT" philosophy.

As much of a swooner as that story may be, it's not nearly as easy as you may think. I called Josh tonight, crying and freaking out. I told him that I was scared, because we've been preparing to be married in the worldly aspect SO much lately! Our time has been consumed with budget spreadsheets, apartment hunting, job searching, trying to figure out where the rest of our furniture needs will come from... And that's all good, responsible, and extremely necessary. But I felt scared because I felt like the relational aspect of our lives was suffering. We were preparing for married living, yes, but I felt like we stopped preparing to be a married couple! The development of the relationship, the most important part of a marriage, had stopped amongst growing dollar signs.

I expressed all of this to him, and he said, "You're right." So, he said that as soon as we can next week, we should have a "Josh and Kelly night." For one night, we get to lay aside all talk of wedding planning, me trying desperately to get my school projects done, finances, and moving into the apartment. Oh praise Jesus! When he said that, my tears were a mixture of relief and joy, but also still filled with stress and fear of the future. Such a mixture of emotions I can't fully explain. For the first time in quite a while, I will simply get to bask in the joy of having a soul mate. We will get to enjoy each other's company for who we are and the relationship we've built. As important as everything else is, for one evening, we get to TRULY build our home--our relationship. It makes me cry again out of utter happiness and appreciation for my man.

I know we'll make it.

2 comments:

cat m. said...

i know you will too.

srm said...

Oh Kelly, my heart aches a little for that but you have an awesome fiance and I don't think your hair will turn grey and your heart turn black anytime soon